As the hours wind down before tomorrow’s big release of Apple’s latest product, the iPad, anticipation is growing in the media and fans. After the cold response to the introduction of the device in San Francisco earlier this year and reported to you by yours truly, the tide of criticism began to wane in the weeks that followed. Realizing that, CEO of Apple Computer Steve Jobs, personally sent me an email addressing some of your concerns regarding the iPad and asked that I publish the full and original copy of the message. Here now, is what he had to say:
Without a doubt, my anticipation for tomorrow’s big release of Apple’s latest technological epiphany is HUGE. Over the course of the last week, as the minions comprising my lead marketing team for the iPad have scurried around spamming Twitter with #iPad hashtags, I could sense the gradually changing public perception towards the iPad. Not surprisingly, mere mortals who calls themselves journalists such as Ed Baig and Tim Gideon published raving reviews of my engineering miracle. Like I always tell the people at Apple as I hold the iPad in front of them, “it’s pretty cool, huh?”
After the underwhelming presentation in San Francisco on January 27th, I immediately fired half of my public relations team and replaced them with females. Some people refer to that as “braking the glass ceiling,” but I digress. Luckily, those displaced idiots quickly found employment at some failing tech company up in Redmond, Washington, where they can contribute their invaluable creativity when it comes to naming new products.
Wouldn’t it be great if we lived in a world where the majority of our time is devoted to one single thing? Wouldn’t it be great if that thing costs you less than the price of a brand new 40-inch HDTV? That is where the iPad comes in. Equipped with our most sophisticated lithium-ion polymer battery ever, I’ve been able to masterfully engineer this device to change humanity forever.
As I visited several Apple stores across America this past week, I was shocked from what I found. At every single venue, lines reminiscent of Black Friday were nowhere to be found. It was like seeing the lines around movie theatres when Rocky 6 came out. Utterly pathetic and unacceptable.
So, this is why I have reached out to you ordinary people who dedicate your lives to being the first to whip out your credit cards the day Apple releases a new product. I understand that some of you may not be entirely decided on whether to spend a mere five Benjamins for a revolutionary device with amazing and wonderful capabilities. That is unreasonble and foolish of you.
You see, the iPad is not for everyone. And by that, I mean those who work in Redmond. As you sit in front of your iMac computer screen eating that ridiculous bacon and tuna sandwich, I ask you this: Is this really the type of experience you deserve?
Wouldn’t it be great to finally be able to touch what you see and manipulate objects with your fingers(TWSS!)? You have suffered for far too long working with pedestrian technology(excluding Macs). If aliens were to land on our planet and observe us, isn’t it likely that they will laugh at our unreliable and pedestrian technology?That’s what keeps me up at night. Before you know it, global warming will be the last thing that destroys our planet in the end. Instead, the absence of people carrying iPads around will doom us all for good.
So, you see my simple-minded friend? It’s not too difficult to comprehend. Buying an iPad tomorrow will be the best decision you’ve made since purchasing a new iPhone. It’s gonna be HUGE. Count on it.
Shocked? I was too. Let me know what you think about the iPad in the comments section below!