Have you ever purchased a fart app? I have. Let me tell you…that’s not how a fart is supposed to sound like.
Apple recently released a version of its Genius technology for applications that applies the same recommendation system for songs to applications. Other attempts to help buyers decide which applications to purchase have come in the form of lists of top paid/free applications and “hot” lists.
What happened to the applications you shouldn’t buy? I wouldn’t mind reading a list titled, “Worst Apps of the Week” or “I Dare You To Buy This…” Apple, if you’re reading this…here now is a list containing nine of the worst iPhone applications I wish I had never heard of.
I dare you to buy…
- Lyrics + When I purchased Lyrics + for a buck about a month ago, things worked the way I had envisioned.Every time I searched for the lyrics to a song, I could find it with the app. Soon afterwards, the application soared to the ranks of the top fifty paid applications. Then something went wrong. The lyrics disappeared! All of them!!! Ok, maybe not all of them. Just the ones that mattered the most. As quickly as Lyrics + had reached success, it was bombarded with negative reviews from many unhappy customers and Lyrics + was swept away into oblivion and never heard from again.
- Labyrinth Don’t get angry at me now. I realize that there are many satisfied customers who have purchased Labyrinth. But allow me to demonstrate to you why you should stick with the free version:
- Supermarket Mania Two weeks ago, this game went on sale for $0.99. I glanced at some reviews, skimmed through the screenshots, and purchased the game. I’m such a fool. It is utterly incomprehensible why anyone would find it entertaining to mechanically press on food stalls repeatedly as they become depleted. I mean, seriously?
- Peekababe Alright, please. Don’t judge me. I have no life, ok?
First complaint: ONE SINGLE UPDATE SINCE I PURCHASED THIS APP THREE MONTHS AGO?!? Truly unacceptable. Numero dos: WTF?!? THERE ARE ONLY 19 PICTURES? Third: See below:
One of the “selling” points of this app was that when you turned your device upside down, the image would slowly reveal a model carrying fewer articles of clothing than before (see how I said that in a “politically correct” way?). That was cool at first, giggling pervertedly like super-horny teenage boys as the semi-nude image was unveiled. Then a problem arose. People began looking at me funny and wondered, “Why the hell does he keep turning his stupid iPod Touch every minute? What an idiot.” My reputation was permanently shattered. My innocent escapade had ruined me.
- Urinal Test This was the first application I have ever purchased. Don’t laugh at me. I can justify my decision. At the time, I saw this “game” sitting comfortably as the top downloaded free app. It was free, so I decided to download the app. The basic premise of the game was to select the correct stall in a bathroom with varying number of occupants that you should choose to urinate in. Of course, you didn’t actually urinate in the game. You just had to correctly identify the stall which would lead to the lowest risk for indecent exposure. Over the course of ten-minutes, I completed the game and promptly uninstalled the app. If you are looking to download your very first application, don’t let Urinal Test be the one.
- Bumperstars Don’t waste your money with Bumperstars. The game is as simple as playing hide and seek with a 2-month-old baby and as entertaining as watching an episode of The Real World. It doesn’t even let you save your game when you exit for crying out loud! Throw this game in the trash.
- Cardstar I remember when I first read about Cardstar. It was a fantastic idea: save all your membership or reward cards to your iPod so that you never have to carry them in your wallet ever again. Feverishly entering my library and Borders cards’ information, I headed out to the local library to test the application’s effectiveness. When I had grabbed an armful of nerdy books and was ready to leave, I nervously approached the front desk to check out the books.
- Doodle Kids Once you get over the fact that this application was created by a 9-year-old kid from Singapore, you will realize as I did that this application is a waste of space. As the name implies, this app allows you to sketch pictures or write text on a blank screen or atop photos saved to your device. Please, don’t let the developer’s age fool you into downloading this app. Heck, he’s probably in high school(or college) and has hit puberty by now.
- That’s What She Said This application is so god-awful that I decided to write a full-blown article about it. I must be going crazy or my standards are really hitting rock bottom. Either way, please don’t ever install this application for your own sake.
Do you have your library card?
Oh, yea. Sure. Here it is.
She looked at my outstretched hand with the iPod Touch and appeared unsure of what to do with the scanner in her hand. Taking a deep breath and saying a small prayer, I casually took the scanner from her hand and revealed my agenda to her.
See? I just place this scanner above the barcode displayed on the screen and….
Ummmm you can’t do that here…
No, it works! Trust me! I got it. Let me try one more time….
Excuse me, young man. People are waiting in line.
Devastated at the failure of my trusted device, I pathetically drew out my wallet, handed over my library card, and slowly walked out the library disgraced and humiliated.