Since being selected as the 2009 word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary, “unfriend” has taken the meaning of friendship to a whole new level thanks largely to Facebook. With Twitter, the comparable “unfollow” is a more acceptable and common practice. So, do people unfriend others on Facebook? More importantly, why the hell are they unfriending you? Let’s find out.
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You like EVERYTHING
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You’re an invite whore
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You suck at Facebook Places
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Farmville, Mafia Wars, Restaurant City
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You interrupt other people’s conversations
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You connected your Twitter account to Facebook
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You created a Facebook profile for your cat
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You insult everyone’s new profile picture
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You update people’s Facebook when they leave their laptop unattended
Where there is a like button to be clicked, your mouse zooms right to it in a heartbeat.
Stacey McLovin said, “Wow! I just had the best adventure to the toilet just now!”
Like
Bill Thorton likes You.
Like
We get it. There isn’t a thing in this splendid world you don’t like. Let’s hope that Facebook doesn’t come out with a new dislike button in the near future.
Whether there is a fan page you recently liked (ha!) or an event you just created, you feel the need to invite everyone you know on Facebook to join.
“Select all to invite? No problem!”
Soon, your friends’ email inboxes will be flooded once again with subject lines like “Billy invited you to become a fan of Singing in the Shower” and “Billy wants you to become a member of the Billy’s Number One Fan Club.”
Thus, prompting everyone you know to frantically head over to their Settings page to completely seal off all possibilities for you to send them virtual teddy bears on their birthdays.
Standing at the bus stop yesterday morning, you happen to have your phone at your side. Luckily, you have access to Facebook, otherwise you would simply break down and start crying in public. Like the day before, you follow your usual routine. You check-in using Facebook Places.
“Billy is at the Bus Stop.”
Moments later…
“Billy was at the Bus Stop.”
But, it gets worse.
“No, way! Sally just checked into Pizza Hut! I gotta meet her!”
You go to Pizza Hut.
“Yo, Sally! Thanks to Facebook, we can hang out together and eat cheese pizzas all day! It’s crazy how advanced technology is these days, eh?”
Sally is no longer your friend on Facebook.
Once upon a time, I visited Facebook. Games like Farmville were quickly growing very popular amongst my friends. Before I knew it, numerous Facebook requests for me to milk people’s cows showed up. Instinctively, I simply clicked on the little “x” to hide such updates from ever showing up on my feed. Until the next hour.
Soon, Mafia Wars took over. Instead of tending to their sheep and cattle, Facebook users began collecting virtual weapons of mass destruction that would make even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blush.
John Kissinger writes on Steve’s wall asking when he is available for lunch tomorrow. What do you do?
You like his wall post(See numero uno).
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You join the conversation: “Yo, guys! Great idea! Let’s go and eat at that new sandwich shop near the parking garage! I heard they have pretty tasty Philly Cheesesteak Sandwiches!”
Confronted by this unexpected turn of events, John and Billy are left with two options:
They bitch you out and tell you to fuck off.
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They immediately unfriend you on Facebook and eat at that sandwich shop without you that afternoon.
Luckily, most people have the common sense to not connect their Twitter profile to Facebook. But, you are not most people.
Most people call it over-sharing. You call it, “being transparent.”
True story: A guy at my old high school had a cat. Let’s call it “Garfield.”
Anyways, he must’ve loved Garfield a lot. So much so, that he created a Facebook profile for Garfield. Oh, but the trouble doesn’t stop there.
He updates it. Regularly. If it weren’t for the obvious name and picture on the profile, I would’ve been under the impression that he had better taste in music than I.
What’s worse, his cat has more friends than I do on Facebook.
Billy just updated his profile picture.
You comment on it: “Dude! You suck at playing the guitar!”
You hate to admit it, but you are a troll on Facebook. You think of it as an art. In reality, you have it down to a science.
Because of you, no laptop left alone is safe. Whenever a friend decides to go grab something to eat with their laptop still on, you can’t help it. You tell yourself that karma will one day strike you down like no one has ever seen before. But, you don’t care. You do it anyways.
Sometimes, updating your victims’ Facebook status isn’t enough to satisfy you. You seek more. You want to leave a mark.
So, you change their profile picture.
That outta teach them about leaving their laptops on!
Image by Steve Jurvetson and JB London
