As of this moment, I have 100 followers on Twitter after creating an account on July 9th, 2009. Pretty stellar, eh?

Based on this underwhelming success, I am definitely not your best source for learning how to reach Twitter stardom. But who really cares about gaining more followers and participating in games of superficiality? What Twitter users are dying to know is the opposite: attaining absolutely NO followers PERIOD. Right?

So with my expertise and well-established track record, let me dispose to you the invaluable secrets to losing all your Twitter followers once and for all.

Step 1: Obsessively tweet to a Guinness World Record

Last October, the #BeatCancer campaign set a new Guinness World Record for the most social network mentions in 24 hours with 209,771 total messages shared through blogs, Twitter, and Facebook.

Having conducted some unscientific research on Google, I have come to the conclusion that there is no Guinness world record for the most tweets by a single account in a given time period. What does this mean? It means that you can achieve fame and fortune(sort of) while working towards your desired goal of losing every Twitter follower.

How’s that for some extrinsic motivation?

Step 2: Replace your Avatar with a Spambot Photo

Many people have a habit of perusing their list of followers regularly looking for spambot accounts to block. Why this occurs, is beyond my understanding. Maybe they feel insulted by the fact that BritneyFVideos is not worthy of hearing what they had to eat for breakfast that particular morning. Or maybe they recall that traumatizing time when they mistakenly clicked the posted link on a spambot’s tweet and pictures of naked, hairy old men began to fill the entire screen.

Either way, with a spambot photo you can be assured that you’ll lose a good, healthy portion of your followers.

Step 3: Lie to your Followers

I was devastated when I clicked on the link to that Twitpic. I remember how excited I was after reading it and could barely believe what was happening. It was an early Christmas present…..that was filled with charcoal.

Don’t do this again, Megan. Please, I beg you.

Step 4: #UnfollowFriday: The Rise of the Next Big Twitter Trend

We all know how Follow Friday works. With Unfollow Friday, it’s simply the opposite. Every Friday morning, go on your Twitter account and look at the latest tweets from the people you follow.

“Hmmmmm… interesting. @SomeLikeIt_hOtt just posted an article titled,”Five Ways to Pickup Any Girl.” Gotta read this (Uncontrollably giggling).

Click!

Huh? What the hell–? “How to Shave Chest Hair Using Toothpaste!” I didn’t sign up for this! Son of a (insert nasty word)! Damn you, @SomeLikeIt_hOtt! Time to unfollow you.

There you have it. Don’t worry about any repercussions from your #unfollowfriday tweets. Your Twitter followers will appreciate you looking out for them. @SomeLikeIt_hOtt on the otherhand, will surely unfollow you.

Remember to go block loneplacebo since he might be following you.

Do you have zero followers yet?